jana's birthday...

... is today. next post, i'll write about when i found out about it.

first time (iii)

june 16, 1990. a day to remember.

summertime in germany; me, my brothers, and maybe a few other people were in the backyard, a good two weeks after the harpstedt weekend. it was a saturday afternoon. on sunday, the pathfinders would meet at home. at my place. with jana.

it had been exactly eleven weeks since i had left a little note in her jacket, saying “ich hab dich gern” (i “like you” like you), and signed by “irgendwer” (someone). i was in the best of moods. my mother calls. “telephone, raphael”. yes, the raphael from an earlier series. i went inside and picked up the phone downstairs, when i hear something quite unexpected on the other side of the line. “hello, here is jana.” silence. and even before i could think of the magnitude of the fact that jana was calling me, again, she had hung up – after a quick “ich hab dich auch gern”.

it almost made me feel dizzy. my wildest hopes, dreams, interpretations, observations. they were confirmed by one simple and direct sentence. for the first time in my life, someone i liked had openly declared that they liked me. it was kind of understood with michaela in 1986, but confirmation only came decades later. here it seemed quite clear. it was to be understood that what i felt for her, she had started to feel for me. she used the exact same words. there was no doubt about the interpretation.

i was so excited that i didn’t even stop to think about why she might have called me to say that, or why my mother was under the impression that raphael was on the phone. i just ceased the moment and the day. june 16 became a historical date for me.

june 17, next post.

first time (ii)

i couldn’t think or react. i just said “yes”, and then she asked me: “did you put a note in my jacket yesterday?”. i didn’t deny it. she then responded: “ok, just wanted to confirm.” and hung up.

i think this was my first time in what i perceived to be the “real world”. for years and years, i had loved my imaginary world, kept secret from anyone else. my music, my thoughts and feelings, and my personal queen. for the first time ever, it seemed that a “queen” had taken notice not only of my existence, but also of my interest. and this queen was reigning for exactly one day. what now?

nothing. it would be a few weeks until i would see her again. i went to a different church, so we would see each other only at the “pathfinders”, equivalent to scouts.

that day was coming, and i was very curious and a little nervous about how it would be. as always at the time, i chose the passive approach; see, how she dealt with the idea, now that i assumed she knew i liked her. and when the day came, i did had a very uneasy feeling in my stomach. there was quite a bit of unspoken tension in the air, not negative at all. it was a rainy spring day, she was using that same (and now “famous”) pink and blue jacket. our eyes locked a few times, for spilt seconds – but sometimes it seemed like a long time. i went home later with a quiet grin on my face. she didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with the idea, she didn’t seem to reject me – this was a major victory for me. there seemed a chance that, with time, we could even get to know each other. i still had no idea about what was going on in her mind, but it seemed quite clear that there were no negative feelings towards me.

it went like that for another month. jana and me wouldn’t talk at all, but she was always the lone center of my attention whenever we were in the same space. i was becoming more and more friends with a few other people of the pathfinders. bärchen, which is how we called the very cute christiane boettge, was known to me for quite some time, and we were becoming better friends that year; on the other hand, she was jana’s best friend at the time, and i had even thought that she might have informed jana about the note i’d left in her jacket. it seemed to be that bärchen might be an ally in the whole jana story, but this is not why we became friends. i really do think that we enjoyed each other’s presence and friendship. marco and stefan zücker, two brothers who had also recently arrived from east germany, were entering my life, too.

finally, it was time for our group to go to a long weekend in tents, in harpstedt. this was a yearly event, quite anticipated by me and most pathfinders, where more than 150 pre-teens and teens (up to 15 years) where together for some social and spiritual quality time. it was my fourth time there, so i was kind of a veteran, compared mostly to the trio marco, stefan and jana, who were going for the first time. this was the most time we were to spend in the same place, so far. and i was excited.

the weekend was a little strange. i was feeling really good, confident. i was seeing many friends again, and it seemed to be the bst harpstedt long weekend ever. friday evening, jana and me set almost exactly opposite to each other in quite a big room. with this bigger distance than normally as kind of a protection shield, our eyes locked more often than ever before. and i felt really secure, because it seemed as if there was some kind of a secret bond between us, almost as if my secret world had begun being extended to the girl i was falling more in love with by the minute.

on saturday, the good feeling went away. i had a little bit of a allergic reaction with my eyes and had to abandon the afternoon activity, going back to camp. sitting on some stairs, i kept my eyes closed, and for some it might have seemed that i was crying. i only noticed that when jana’s younger sister, andrea, passed by and said: “thinking of my sister?”. wow, that was a real blow, for so many reasons. first of all, it seemed that it wasn’t such a secret at all. secondly, why did she say that, even with this kind of diminishing tone? was i totally mistaken after all, was i a joke, after all? and now that she thought i was crying, what would she tell her older sister? that whole confident and peaceful feeling from less than 24 hours before, that was totally gone.

nothing new on sunday, but i was worried, more than ever, about what was going on in jana’s mind. what was she thinking of me? what was she maybe even expecting? these questions were bothering me.

i think it was the last day, the monday. beginning of june, another great summer day. an activity in the gym, a game of survival. jana was out quite soon and sat in a private place. i stayed in the game for quite a long time, and everytime i passed by where she was, we looked at each other. the shyness that we both seemed to have, the looking without the other noticing, it had seemingly gone away for these minutes. so much so, that i can swear i saw tears in her eyes; yes, tears, it seemed quite clear. i didn’t even have time to think about why she could have been so sad that day, but i was deeply moved by it – and forgot all about my sorrows and insecurities about her. at that time, i felt even more than being in love – a felt actual love, empathy. and the will to do something, help, i don’t know. what could i do?

everytime i passed by her that end of morning, i felt a stronger bond than ever before. and be it my imagination or not, i really believed that she felt it, too. at one point, there was even a smile. i’d never seen a girl smile at me, with tears in her eyes. it’s truly heartbreaking.

if i think of memorable weekends in my life, this is still one of them.

to be continued.

first time

a couple of weeks ago, i received a message in the german “facebook” called “studivz”. a woman called jana left a rather common scrap on my page, asking me (and all her other friends, i imagine) to leave a memory i have about her on her page. that’s when i decided that this next post was going to be dedicated to her, and my recollections of her. after all, as you will see, it is a major memory in my life.

it was the beginning of 1990. a new era for the world, with the fall of communism and the berlin wall, only a few months ago. and it was a new era for me, too. at age 12, i had been in love a few times already. sarah dumber, still in england, then five years earlier. in germany, first michaela (summer love), then the golden three: yvonne dobert, birte brettschneider and, currently (at the time), isabel willkommen. the latter had been on the “throne” for the longest amount of time. since september 1988. and march 1990 was coming to an end.

our church had organized a bible week for kids, starting march 24. i was starting to get fed up with being in love with isabel. i think i was getting fed up with always falling in love with these girls i didn’t even knew. i mean, if i exchanged more than a sentence with any of the three “golden girls” who dominated my “love life” since 1986, it would have been a miracle. i didn’t know who plato was yet, but his “love-style” seemed to be fitting for me. but i had enough. i made a conscious decision to try to find someone knew, someone who i could actually come closer to, maybe even someone with whom i could slowly build up some sort of relationship. and this week could be a good opportunity to see what’s around, since i was also looking for someone who had a similar faith as i did.

i noticed her right away, almost in midst of these thoughts. this very white girl, seemingly vivid, new in town, very blond. she quickly made friends with someone i knew (bärchen), but i’d never seen her before. soon i was made aware that she and her family were coming from eastern germany, as many people were at the time. and she came to stay. this all started to sound very interesting. and she herself seemed to be quite unique. it didn’t take long to chase isabel away from my dreams, where the brunette had been present for not far from 2 years. jana deutsch was officially the number one on march 31, a saturday. and even more, i leaped into action, obsessed by the idea of make my intentions clear. or at least my admiration –in secret. i decided to write her a little anonymous note and put it into a pocket of her already very legendary blue and pink jacket.

the very next day (yes, april fool’s day), the phone rang during our family worship time. we never pick up at that time, but for some reason, i did. i don’t know, i was just feeling so good about myself, finally doing something. still figuring out what my next step would be before i, one day, would eventually reveal my secret identity. i still had my own private world that no one knew about, and i felt really good about it. and i picked up that phone with no second thoughts. “marcio bei witzig”, i said, as usual. “jana deutsch here”, i hear. and time seemed to stop.

to be continued.

soul of gold

it was the beginning of 1993. i was 15 years old, in love with a girl called eva, living my last semester in germany, going to 10^th grade. at that time, i was quite into radio and mtv, but i had some fixed musical acts i would listen to, as diverse as vangelis, williams costa jr, michael jackson, mussoursky, besides some current hits like dire straits, lisa stansfield, genesis, sinead o’connor and even some guns’n’roses. but my fixed repertoire of music hearing was divided into three main bands: a-ha, herbert grönemeyer, and most of all, simply red.

then came that last semester in germany. and with it, two musical discoveries; they would both change the way i listened to music, and until today, they are both in my top five favorite music acts. one of them is peter gabriel, and the other is today’s special person, gordon sumner. he is known to most as the band leader of legendary rock-punk-raggae band the police, nicknamed sting since his teen years as a bass player, when he once showed up to play with a horizontally striped, yellow and black sweater. “if i ever lose my faith in you” was my first conscious contact with sting’s music, and it is through mtv (where i would watch the clip with great enthusiasm) that i came to by the max-single, and later, the album it was taken from: ten summoner’s tales. by the beginning of 1994, already living in brazil, i’d bought his earlier work (the dream of the blue turtles, …nothing like the sun, the soul cages), including various specials, like a vhs of the recording sessions in his house in england (ten summoner’s tales). after that, sting had three other studio albums: mercury falling, brand new day, and his last effort, sacred love, from 2003. this last album was the only one i didn’t like so far, but i’m looking forward to his new release, which will be next month (if on a winter’s night). he’ll be 58 at the time of the album release, and hopefully back to top form.

the following songs made it to the top twenty: 20º when we dance, 19º everybody laughed but you, 18º a thousand years, 17º the soul cages, 16º tea in the sahara, 15º seven days, 14º when the angles fall, 13º after the rain has fallen, 12º they dance alone, 11º ghost story

here the list of my top ten favorite sting tunes.

10º shape of my heart – from the ten summoner’s tales album, this beautiful song reminds me of “duetting” it with my younger brother. the beautiful guitar melody, deep lyrics and wonderful melody make it a typical songwriting art work by sting.

9º why should i cry for you? – written after his father’s passing, sting puts lots of emotion into this rhythmic anthem. the “dark angles follow me” is one of my favorite sing-along passages in any song.

8º something the boy said – the last of the ten tales, this song describes a dream. i like the lyrics, and love to sing this one along, too. the “food for a crow” sections at the end are one of the best moments in any sting song.

7º if i ever lose my faith in you – the prologue to the ten summoner’s tales is my official favorite song of all time. the chorus, bridge and last verse are real highlights. my intro to sting’s musical world.

6º the wild wild sea – another dream, again as a reaction to his father’s death in the album “the soul cages”. dark, with a great climax in the album version, and a better end in the unplugged version.

5º i was brought to my senses – one of three top songs from the mercury falling album; great opening and intro to main body, great lyrics, great 7/8 rhythm, great sound. typical song that only sting could compose.

4º the hounds of winter – another one from the mercury falling album. one of my favorite sentences ever in any song: “i still see her face, as beautiful as day”. exceptional lyrics, love the guitar and the mood.

3º i’m so happy i can’t stop crying – the third mercury falling tune. just exceptional songwriting, in country-style. sing-a-long at a high level.

2º fields of gold – simply beautiful, perfect sync between lyrics, music and arrangement. sad and emotional, yet hopeful. reminds me of the summer of 93.

1º island of souls – probably sting’s most complete composition. musically first class, great lyrics, totally unorthodox album opener, interesting and 100% emotional.

the best album is ten summoner’s tales, followed by the soul cages.

big screen specials

i've been a big fan of movies since my early teen years. and since then, i've been fascinated by some of the female performers. over the years, there have certainly been a few of them who have caught my attention for one reason or another, and i'd like to write about five of them quickly, and the movies that made me become a fan.

people who know me know that i used to be a big jodie foster fan. since i saw her in "catchfire", a b-movie directed by dennis hopper, who is great in that movie, i've followed her career quite closley. yes, i loved her hair, smile and wits, but i really thought she was a great actress; one of the rare cases that made the transition form child star to adult star. i think it is not exaggerated to say that she has been great in most of her movies, mostly these: alice doesn't live here anymore (74, at age 11), taxi driver (76, nominated for oscar), stealing home (88), the accused (88, oscar winner), the silence of the lambs (91, oscar winner), little man tate (91), shadows and fog (91), sommersby (93), maverick (94), nell (94), contact (97), the dangerous lives of the alter boys (2002), panic room (02), inside man (06), the brave one (07). my personal favorites are taxi driver, catchfire, little man tate, sommersby, maverick, nell, and contact. quite a few movies to really put into the top, all with the same female lead. i'm still fond of jodie, but her status as favorite actress has been elsewhere since the year 2000.

this is where natalie portman took over. a typical case of younger and more beautiful, one might think. i actually "fell" for her in 99, drinking soda out of a star wars cup, with her perfect face on it. me and my younger brother were asking ourselves who that was; actually, that day, we went to see star wars episode one - disappointing movie, but what a beautiful princess! later, i rented her older movies and was particularly impressed with her performance in "beautiful girls" (96), which she had shot, also as a child actor, two years after her impressive debut in "leon" (known as "the professional" in the us, shot at age 12). she had quite good performances in "mars attacks!" (96) and "anywhere but here" (99), and also got good reviews for "where the heart is" (2000). i really loved the scene she had in "cold mountain" (03), and loved the movie "garden state" (04), directed by her co-star zac braff, from scrubs. the short movie "true" (04), also featured in "paris je t'aime", is another of my favorite nat performances, and she was really strong in "closer" (04), where the whole cast was very strong. "v for vendetta" (05) is another very good movie with another great performance from the straight-a harvard graduate (psychology), born in israel and living in new york. she was again strong in "goya's ghost" (06) and charming in "mr magorium's wonder emporium" (07), and although the movie was so-so, i liked her in "the other boleyn girl" (08), too. i'm already looking forward to her upcoming work. i've seen pictures from her next movie, "love and other impossible pursuits", she's looking gorgeous. my favorite movie from her still is "beautiful girls", though - followed closley by "garden state".

the other three i want to write about and consider to be quite special are kirsten dunst, jena malone and lately kate winslet.

kirsten i just think is incredibly charming and beautiful, and she has been in quite a few good movies, like "little women" (94, ate the age of 12), "the virgin suicides" (99, beautiful at seventeen), "crazy/beautiful" (01, very charming), the "spider man" movies (a fourth and fifth one coming up), "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" (04, famous dance on the bed), wimbledon (04, movie is so-so, but i love the sport, the tournament and the female lead) and "how to lose friend and alienate people" (08, quite fun).

jena is not as good looking, seemingly, but i find her characters in films very attractive, somehow. not as the younger jodie foster on "contact"(once again at age 12) or in "stepmom" (98), both movies i very much enjoy, by the way. but she was attractive (not only physical, as a character, too) as gretchen ross in "donnie darko" (01), as alyssa beck in "life as a house" (01), and as lydia bennet in "pride & prejudice" (05). i went to see "into the wild" (07) for the first time because she was in the credits, and ended up really loving that movie.

last, but not least, the reigning queen of actresses, academy award winning kate winslet. i remember being excited to see "titanic" (97) long before it became a hit, seeing that it would have leo di caprio (which i had really liked in "what's eating gilbert grape") and kate winslet leading in a movie about a ship and story that had always fascinated me. at the end, the movie was better than its actors, and mostly kate disappointed me a little. she had been really impressive in "heavenly creatures" (94) and "sense and sensibility" a year later. after titanic, i only watched her again in "eternal sunshine", where she went back to becoming one of my favorite actresses - incredible in that role! and what a string of strong movies and performances came after that: "finding neverland" (04), "little children" (06) and even "the holiday" (06). this year, i've seen both her oscar and golden globe movies multiple times. i really loved "the reader" and "revolutionary road", and they are both part of my new blu-ray collection.

just a quick mention of former and current actresses who i consider to be amongst my favorite, during these two decades of movie in my life. in parenthesis, my favorite movie with these actresses. juliette lewis (what's eating gilbert grape, 93), winona ryder (reality bites, 94), evan rachel wood (tv series "once and again", 99-02), katie holmes (pieces of april, 03), jenna fischer (tv series "the office", 05-09), emily vancamp (tv series "everwood", 02-06), demi moore (indececent proposal, 93), tea leoni ("the family man", 2000), and bridget fonda ("singles", 92).

yada yada yada

The question “What is your favorite TV-sitcom of all time?” is a valid one. I’ll give anyone that. But the question “What is the best TV-sitcom of all time?” only has one possible answers, for many reasons. The answer is Seinfeld.

By the way, it is my favorite, too. Seinfeld ran for nine seasons and was unusual in every sense: type of humor, type of sitcom, even the numbers – it started off anything but a hit, for three long seasons, and went out with a bang, as the number one show in the US. Created by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David (a.k.a. George Costanza), you just have to see it to love it. I think there is no other more famous small ensemble in the history of TV: Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Marie Benes, George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer. A total of 180 episodes were produced, and almost all of them were not only funny, but extremely creative, sometimes even innovative – and always with a catchfrase or two of what can be called “Seinlanguage”. By the way, a little known fact: Jerry is the only one to appear in all episodes. Kramer wasn’t in Florida at “The Pen” or at “The Chinese Restaurant”, George was left out of “The Pen”, and Elaine didn’t go to California to visit Kramer on “The Trip”.

My favorite character is a tough one. It’s really difficult, she show wouldn’t work if anyone was missing. But if I had to chose, I guess I would go with Jerry himself (normally the fan dispute is between George and Kramer). But have you ever noticed the secondary characters? Give me another sitcom with this list of non-main characters: Newman, Frank & Estelle Costanza, Uncle Leo, Susan Ross, J Peterman, Kenny Bania, David Puddy, Jackie Chiles – I mean, come on! And these are the recurrent ones. What about some name-dropping on the one-time appearances (ok, they were back in the finale) like “Mulva” (Dolores), the Soup Nazi, Donald Sanger (a.k.a. the Bubble Boy), Llyod Braun, Babu Bhatt, Poppie, The Drake, Sue Ellen Mischke… and we could go on and on.

I did a quick research on the net, looking at 39 top 10 lists of favorite episodes of the “show about nothing”. Not that surprisingly, more than half of the episodes (94 to be exact) were found in someone’s top ten list. I will share the Top 20 with one quote from each episode for Seinfeld fans to recognize… then I will share my own favorite episodes! Just to show you how great the show was, first the name of some classic episodes that didn’t make the cut: “The Chinese Restaurant”, “The Limo”, “The Abstinence”, “The Pen”, “The Chicken Roaster”, “The Sponge”, “The Pick”, and “The Close Talker”, just to name a few. Here we go:

20 – THE PILOT: “Again with the sweatpants?” – “What? I’m comfortable!” – “You know the message you’re sending to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”

19 – THE CIGAR STORE INDIAN: “Hey, you know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables!”

18 – THE BIZARRO JERRY: “She had man-hands!” – “Would you prefer she had no hands at all?” – “Would she have hooks?” – “Do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?” – “Kinda cool looking.”

17 – THE PUFFY SHIRT: [talking about George’s hands] “Oh, those are nice. Ya know, I never noticed this before. They’re smooth, creamy, delicate, yet masculine.”

16 – THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW: “Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business. But when you’re on my set, you clean it up mister!”

15 – THE IMPLANT: "Did you just double-dip that chip?" - "Excuse me?" - "You double-dipped the chip." - "Double-dipped? What are you talking about?" - "You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again." - "So?" - "That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look, from now on when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it." - "Well, I'm sorry Timmy, but I don't dip that way." - "Oh, you don't, huh?" - "No. You dip the way you want to dip, I'll dip the way I want to dip."

14 – THE SERENITY NOW: "George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure, I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations."

13 – THE RYE: "One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function."

12 – THE JUNIOR MINT: "I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above..." - "Mint?" - "Those can be very refreshing."

11 – THE BETRAYEL: “You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.” – “Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.” – “Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.” – “So you think it's a non-vite.” – “It's an un-vitation.”

10 – THE LIBRARY: "She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."

9 – THE PARKING GARAGE: "There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character."

8 – THE BOYFRIEND: This one deserves two, since it was a double episode: "I snuck a peak." and: "What kind of a shake does he have?" - "Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard. You know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there."

7 – THE OUTING: "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

6 – THE BUBBLE BOY: "That's pie country. They do a lot of baking up there." - "They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry blackberry." - "Blackberry boysenberry." - "Boysenberry huckleberry." - "Huckleberry raspberry." - "Raspberry strawberry." - "Strawberry cranberry." - "Peach."

5 – THE OPPOSITE: "Who are you, George Costanza?" - "I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."

4 – THE HAMPTONS: "Do women know about shrinkage?" - "What do you mean, like laundry?" - "No..." - "Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..." - "It shrinks?" - "Like a frightened turtle." - "Why does it shrink?" - "It just does." - "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

3 – THE MARINE BIOLOGIST: "The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli."

2 – THE SOUP NAZI: "Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent Of A Woman? Hoo-wah! Hoo-wah!" - "Very good. Very good." - "Well, I ..." - "You know something?" - "Hmmm?" - "No soup for you!" - "What?" - "Come back one year. Next!"

1 – THE CONTEST: "Are you Master of your Domain?" - "I am King of the County. You?" - "Lord of the Manor." - "I'm Queen of the castle!"

My personal Top Ten include The Contest, The Opposite, The Outing, The Boyfriend, The Library, The Merv Griffin Show and for more episodes outside of the Top 20:

THE PEN: "Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends." - "He's an idealist."

THE DEAL: "You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!" – this is my favorite episode!

THE VOICE: "Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."

THE STAKEOUT: "C'mon, there will be people to mock."

There we go. If you have any favorite characters, episodes, secondary characters or quotes on Seinfeld, please do share!