i couldn’t think or react. i just said “yes”, and then she asked me: “did you put a note in my jacket yesterday?”. i didn’t deny it. she then responded: “ok, just wanted to confirm.” and hung up.
i think this was my first time in what i perceived to be the “real world”. for years and years, i had loved my imaginary world, kept secret from anyone else. my music, my thoughts and feelings, and my personal queen. for the first time ever, it seemed that a “queen” had taken notice not only of my existence, but also of my interest. and this queen was reigning for exactly one day. what now?
nothing. it would be a few weeks until i would see her again. i went to a different church, so we would see each other only at the “pathfinders”, equivalent to scouts.
that day was coming, and i was very curious and a little nervous about how it would be. as always at the time, i chose the passive approach; see, how she dealt with the idea, now that i assumed she knew i liked her. and when the day came, i did had a very uneasy feeling in my stomach. there was quite a bit of unspoken tension in the air, not negative at all. it was a rainy spring day, she was using that same (and now “famous”) pink and blue jacket. our eyes locked a few times, for spilt seconds – but sometimes it seemed like a long time. i went home later with a quiet grin on my face. she didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with the idea, she didn’t seem to reject me – this was a major victory for me. there seemed a chance that, with time, we could even get to know each other. i still had no idea about what was going on in her mind, but it seemed quite clear that there were no negative feelings towards me.
it went like that for another month. jana and me wouldn’t talk at all, but she was always the lone center of my attention whenever we were in the same space. i was becoming more and more friends with a few other people of the pathfinders. bärchen, which is how we called the very cute christiane boettge, was known to me for quite some time, and we were becoming better friends that year; on the other hand, she was jana’s best friend at the time, and i had even thought that she might have informed jana about the note i’d left in her jacket. it seemed to be that bärchen might be an ally in the whole jana story, but this is not why we became friends. i really do think that we enjoyed each other’s presence and friendship. marco and stefan zücker, two brothers who had also recently arrived from east germany, were entering my life, too.
finally, it was time for our group to go to a long weekend in tents, in harpstedt. this was a yearly event, quite anticipated by me and most pathfinders, where more than 150 pre-teens and teens (up to 15 years) where together for some social and spiritual quality time. it was my fourth time there, so i was kind of a veteran, compared mostly to the trio marco, stefan and jana, who were going for the first time. this was the most time we were to spend in the same place, so far. and i was excited.
the weekend was a little strange. i was feeling really good, confident. i was seeing many friends again, and it seemed to be the bst harpstedt long weekend ever. friday evening, jana and me set almost exactly opposite to each other in quite a big room. with this bigger distance than normally as kind of a protection shield, our eyes locked more often than ever before. and i felt really secure, because it seemed as if there was some kind of a secret bond between us, almost as if my secret world had begun being extended to the girl i was falling more in love with by the minute.
on saturday, the good feeling went away. i had a little bit of a allergic reaction with my eyes and had to abandon the afternoon activity, going back to camp. sitting on some stairs, i kept my eyes closed, and for some it might have seemed that i was crying. i only noticed that when jana’s younger sister, andrea, passed by and said: “thinking of my sister?”. wow, that was a real blow, for so many reasons. first of all, it seemed that it wasn’t such a secret at all. secondly, why did she say that, even with this kind of diminishing tone? was i totally mistaken after all, was i a joke, after all? and now that she thought i was crying, what would she tell her older sister? that whole confident and peaceful feeling from less than 24 hours before, that was totally gone.
nothing new on sunday, but i was worried, more than ever, about what was going on in jana’s mind. what was she thinking of me? what was she maybe even expecting? these questions were bothering me.
i think it was the last day, the monday. beginning of june, another great summer day. an activity in the gym, a game of survival. jana was out quite soon and sat in a private place. i stayed in the game for quite a long time, and everytime i passed by where she was, we looked at each other. the shyness that we both seemed to have, the looking without the other noticing, it had seemingly gone away for these minutes. so much so, that i can swear i saw tears in her eyes; yes, tears, it seemed quite clear. i didn’t even have time to think about why she could have been so sad that day, but i was deeply moved by it – and forgot all about my sorrows and insecurities about her. at that time, i felt even more than being in love – a felt actual love, empathy. and the will to do something, help, i don’t know. what could i do?
everytime i passed by her that end of morning, i felt a stronger bond than ever before. and be it my imagination or not, i really believed that she felt it, too. at one point, there was even a smile. i’d never seen a girl smile at me, with tears in her eyes. it’s truly heartbreaking.
if i think of memorable weekends in my life, this is still one of them.
to be continued.
No comments:
Post a Comment